Trojan Godfather

By Madoc Paine

Dramatis Personae

The deities

The Olympians: a powerful divine family that took over the patch previously run by the Titans. The Olympians now run most of the divine protection business in Greece and what we now call the eastern Mediterranean, including Anatolia (in what we now call Turkey) where lies the city of Troy.

Zeus: the father-god or god-father of the Olympians. Cloud-compeller, lord of the lightning flash. Bringer of storms, especially when his wife discovers his many and varied infidelities and illegitimate offspring. Looks like a mature Marlon Brando with a handsome grey beard.

Herë: the great goddess-queen; wife of Zeus, and also his sister; the white-armed, the ox-eyed, the queen of heaven; goddess of marriage and motherhood. In appearance, something between Catherine Zeta-Jones and Polly Walker.

Hermës: god of communications and intelligence; Zeus’s loyal son. Also trickster-god and patron of thieves, therefore employed as Zeus’s public relations chief. Imagine George Clooney in his prime.

Aphroditë: goddess of love. Not quite everything she seems. Appears in many guises, but think of Jennifer Lopez.

Apollon: archer-god; god of light, prophecy, the arts, also of refugees and colonists, and patron of the city of Troy. Looks like a golden-haired and -bearded Bruce Willis.

Arës: god of war; a deity with past secrets and future ambitions. Looks something like Al Pacino.

Artemis: goddess of the moon; also hunter-goddess, and spends most of her time gallivanting in forests with nymphs. Widely renowned for her alleged chastity. Twin sister of Apollon. Picture a queenly and athletic Cate Blanchett.

Athena: goddess of crafts, industry, science, learning, warfare, civilisation and multi-tasking; daughter of Wisdom; what later generations might see as a radical feminist. Imagine an athletic, tough-looking Angelina Jolie.

Eris, or Strife: goddess of trouble; a deity who reacts badly when not invited to parties. Looks exactly like Becki Newton.

Iris: goddess of rainbows, fleet-footed messenger of Zeus. Second-in-command to communications-god Hermës. Looks just like Scarlett Johansson.

Nikë: goddess of victory. Imagine Drew Barrymore with wings.

Oinonë: an oreäd or mountain-nymph with an ill-favoured choice in mortal husband.

Thetis: a sea-nymph, one of many actual or reputed ex-lovers of Zeus and therefore hated by Herë. Required for political reasons to marry the mortal King Peleus, and mother by him of Akhilleus.

The makhai, or fighting-spirits: minor deities who hang around with Arës, including Alala (Battlecry), Homados (Tumult), Deimos (Dread), Phobos (Fear), Proioxis and Palioxis (twin sisters, the spirits of attack and flight respectively).

The moirai, or fates: Klotho, Lakhesis and Atropos, the three goddesses who decide how and when mortals will die. Objects of much fear and hatred amongst mortals; also of mistrust, suspicion and unspoken fear amongst deities. They look a bit like Faye Dunaway, Glenn Close and Sharon Stone respectively.

The oneiroi, or dreams: non-corporeal minor deities who work for Zeus as his chief means of sending messages to mortals; sometimes borrowed by other deities, who don’t always ask permission.

The Greeks

Agamemnon and Menelaos: the Atrëids or sons of Atreus; two extremely ambitious teenagers who come from an unusually violent royal family which is subject to a nasty curse, yet who go on to become powerful kings. They both look something like a tall, muscular Sean Bean with an evil glint in his eye.

Aias, son of Telamon: a prince of Salamis; a huge and mighty warrior. Imagine Richard Kiel with a dark beard and long wavy hair.

Akhilleus, son of Peleus: a rather highly-strung Myrmidon prince with a somewhat protective goddess for a mother. Reputedly the greatest warrior in the world. Imagine a muscular, athletic Leonardo di Caprio with beautiful auburn hair and a soft, handsome beard.

Diomedës, son of Tydeus: king of Argos, a great and wise warrior. Think of Gregory Peck.

Helen: the result of some very weird sex involving Zeus and the mortal Queen Leda of Sparta. Reputed the most beautiful woman in the world. Looks a lot like Vivien Leigh.

Idomeneus, son of Deukalion: king of Kretë, and a descendant of Zeus. Somewhat resembles Buzz Lightyear.

Kalkhas: a seer, and chief religious advisor to King Agamemnon. Imagine Robert Taylor.

Neoptolemos, son of Akhilleus: the result of an infamous episode in which his teenage father was hiding amongst a group of princesses disguised as a girl. Looks like a more evil version of his dad.

Nestor, son of Neleus: king of Pylos, reputed the wisest of the Greek kings. Imagine a venerable old Laurence Olivier.

Odysseus, son of Laërtës: King of Ithaca and by far the sneakiest of the Greek leaders, not counting Agamemnon. Something like a very short, very muscular Brian Blessed.

Patroklos, son of Menoitios: a Lokrian prince, lifelong friend and later lover of Akhilleus. Looks rather like Michael York.

Thrasymedës, son of Nestor: a Pylian prince who serves for some time as an aide to King Menelaos. Looks a bit like Robert Duvall.

The Trojans

Priamos, son of Laomedon: father of forty-nine children, who has somehow also found time to be king of Troy, considered the world’s greatest city. Looks a bit like Nigel Hawthorne.

Hekabë: wife of Priamos, and mother of fourteen of his children. Looks something like Queen Elizabeth II.

Hektor: heir to the Trojan throne. Greatest of Troy’s warriors. Imagine a very muscular Errol Flynn.

Paris: the eldest of Hektor’s younger brothers. A handsome rogue whose parents tried hard to get rid of him as a baby, but who has a way of bouncing back. Calls to mind Johnny Depp.

Andromakhë: Hektor’s third wife, and mother of his only child, Skamandrios (called Astyanax). Picture Olivia de Havilland.

Antiphos: one of the younger of Hektor’s brothers. Warrior.

Deïphobos: one of the older of Hektor’s brothers. Warrior.

Democoön: one of Hektor’s illegitimate brothers, result of an amorous encounter in a far-off country. Warrior.

Helenos: another of Hektor’s brothers. Seer by gift, warrior by vocation.

Hipponoös: one of the youngest of Hektor’s brothers. Warrior.

Kassandra: twin sister of Helenos. Priestess of Apollon, who catches her god’s eye for reasons she didn’t intend.

Ankhisës: a cousin of King Priamos. Warrior and advisor.

Aineäs: son of Ankhisës following a fling with the goddess Aphroditë.

Laokoön: a priest of Zeus, and chief religious advisor to King Priamos.

Telestas: a senior civil servant in Troy. Chief economic advisor to King Priamos.

Also sundry other divinities, monsters, warriors and non-combatants, minor but important ‘supernatural’ phenomena, etc, whose particulars may be found at Appendix alpha: Divinity and beyond.